Get Rid of it!!!

I no longer want to feel like I don’t exist. Like the world doesn’t need what I have to contribute and offer. So, I haven’t written down my goals for this year yet.

I had a panic attack earlier this morning. I had a very uncomfortable dream that triggered the attack. I’m fine but drained. So, in order to stay in the present, I am here writing about it.

Writing is a distraction and a comfort zone for me. I don’t like talking to people about myself. I feel like I sound stupid. If that makes since to you. Writing is a way I can express myself without being judged by someone I may know.

In all honesty, one of my fears is people. I am afraid of being judged by them. I’m afraid that I may not fit in socially. I’m afraid of being hurt by people. I only socialize because I have to and it pertaining to work. Yes, getting rid of social anxiety is a part of my goal. I am more than willing to put this one on my goal list. It’s gonna take a lot of work. Starting with me feeling comfortable around more than 2 people at a time.

This is my year of getting rid of what’s holding me back mentally and socially. What about you?

A life by Dewberry Blue

I often think about how I survived a life,

this life,

my life.

I look to the heavens and I wonder why was I given a life,

this life,

my life.

I’m amazed at how so many people devalued life,

this life,

my life.

Not to be defeated,

I stood up and claimed a life,

this life,

my life.

Written 1/3/2018

Happy New Year!🎉🎊

I pray that the most important thing you were doing at 12:00 included prayer and self commitment. I know, I know! It’s not your idea of how you want to do things. But isn’t a resolution the same thing?

I decided not to commit to the old, I’m going to lose weight, I’m going to work harder, I’m going to stop sugar, eat better, need I go on?

For myself, I want to become a better me. Kind of like an upgrade. Starting with the way I think about my life and how it is playing out, seems like a great start. If I can get my mind healthy, I can plan and tackle the other areas I’m not happy with. I don’t want to get overwhelmed with commitments I know I have no intention of keeping.

I’m already working on the way I think. That’s hard enough to control. Especially when you’ve spent the majority of your life anxiously pondering a million different what if’s. So, on day #1 I pledge positivity.

Until next time:

Don’t let your thoughts create negativity. Pollution is destroying the world!

Be Yourself?

It’s hard enough to live with the indifference of others, let alone how you feel about yourself. I will say that hiding behind a disguise can become somewhat confusing!

I always wanted to be what others perceived me to be. I did that for so many years, it became hard for me to distinguish who I really was!

Life has a way of telling you when you’ve made a mistake or when you’re going down the wrong path. As I’ve said before, there was a time when I didn’t know who I was, really. I didn’t like the person I was born as and I was beginning to dislike the person I pretended to be. Soon enough, I decided to come clean to myself. When I did, I discovered so many parts of me I had hidden back on an old dusty shelf on the inside.

There were several parts I could choose from to show off. There were parts that I didn’t like, but I could put those on display too. They all blended together to make up me. A wonderful person I began to see!

I learned along the way that it was okay not to be successful in one area. I could put it back on the shelf and choose another area to work on. I also learned the person I thought I was pretending to be, was really the strong creative side of me. I realized that I had worked very hard to make those talents shine; forgetting the insignificant ones made the others sparkle. I’m learning now how to use all my talents(loved or unloved) to complete who I am!

So what if someone notices a less important talent, so what if they notice a flaw. They all belong to me and they make up who I have to offer to the world!

Until next time,

Let your light shine from without and within!

Don’t Give Up Yet..

I had a bad day yesterday. I just wanted to stop. Stop everything. Stop living the same old life of trying to get rid of these thoughts. Stop therapy. Stop.

I’ve been doing this for awhile now and sometimes things can be a bit overbearing. I mean, trying to get my life together. I actually thought the trauma that happened in my life when I was around 30 was the beginning of my trauma. I found through this CPT therapy, it began earlier in my childhood.

My father left when I was around 3 or 4. My mother married again when I was about 7 or 8. My stepfather is a very hard man. He made it very clear to my sisters and I not to call him any of the derivatives that led to father. Both of those rejections hurt me bad. They would later have a significant bearing on the men I chose in my life.

My life has been a rollercoaster of ups and downs in the relationship department. Not just with men,but with others in my life. Since before the trauma, I kept my distance with people. I made sure I did not have many friends. The less I had, less painful experiences.

Yesterday, because of the season, I felt kind of depressed. I didn’t want to leave my safe place. I felt myself slowly reverting back to that dark gloomy place I am familiar with. I was just about to resign when I heard a voice telling me, “Don’t you give up yet!” I snapped back to attention and went to my motivational quotes. I found this one below and it says it all.

Until next time,

Change doesn’t happen overnight. Depending on what you’re going through, it may not happen today, tomorrow, or even next year, but it will happen if you don’t give up.

Don’t Be Afraid

Don’t be afraid to make the necessary changes in your life. When I went to therapy on Friday, I had to present one of my stuck points. I hated that session! My therapist, well with his help,  had me to rethink and come up with a replacement thought. The entire process had me drained and feeling like I am crazy. I know if you are suffering from
PTSD, you’ve probably felt like me if you are completing CPT therapy. It helped me to separate thoughts that I had combined together for some reason. I was anxious the whole time. At one point, I wanted to stop the session and move on to something else, but my therapist gently redirected me back to the task at hand.
I don’t like change. I never have. To me, I always feel vulnerable and like I’m under a microscope. I feel like my people can see everything about me that I don’t want others to know. It reminds me of a time when I was in high school. I was next up to give a speech. My teacher had a podium for the students to stand behind. I was very anxious. I began to panic as I walked toward the podium. When I reached the front of the class and started to stand behind it, I knocked the podium down and had the entire class laughing. From that day on…
I’m learning that change can be good. Staying in the same position or routine can sometimes cause a bit of trouble. Besides, I got so complacent with doing things the same way, I  never took the opportunity to learn new things. The routine turned into a habit caused me to think I was doing things right and others are wrong. I was afraid of failing. I felt I would be judged harshly by my peers. Today, I feel good about change in my life. I may feel uncomfortable, but when I feel it’s time, I take things slowly. I am discovering there are new and wonderful things for me to do!

Until next time,
Don’t be afraid of starting over or something new!