Growing is a pain!

Growing can be and is a pain! I hate it! I didn’t go through a metamorphosis. I was an adult as long as I can remember. I had to handle this or solve that. Get someone under control or make sure you cook that!

There are 6 of us; my two sisters and I had to care for the younger ones. It’s a common thing in single households. That includes if you have a father or stepfather who has checked out (if you know what I mean).

When you have to be a responsible person at such a young age, you forget about all the things a young person is supposed to do between the ages of 10 and 21. When the age 21 came along, I was already in that fated relationship.

I soon got married, had children, divorced and was about to move on when tragedy hit. I approached everything as an adult would have.

Later, which is now, I would have gone to many Psychiatrists and spoken to numerous therapists. I told myself “This is it! The last stop! If this doctor and therapist can not help me, I will just resign to never grow past this stuck point!”

The therapist turned out to teach a different type healing of which I had never been taught throughout the 20 years. I found that I was making some progress, but I was in a metamorphic phase. I was excited! I was after all transforming. I didn’t have to stay in the cocoon of despair for the rest of my life. I was never going to return to my 12 year old self, but I could heal the wounds from that time. I could pluck up and discard of those dried out roots and replace them with new more beautiful seeds that would grow into whole plants.

It would not be easy, but with nurturing the seed would grow and produce fruit. Fruit I could pick from and eat daily. I would grow. I would be able to leave behind those things that caused pain. Realizing that growing is a pain that anyone can get through!

Until next time,

You may be an ugly caterpillar right now, but soon you will be a beautiful butterfly!

What Good Days?

I’ve always been a very optimistic person. There are no bad people born; they are taught by behaviors seen and introduced to them as the grow. So, when I was kidnapped and raped by my then estranged husband, I couldn’t see that he had purposely done this bad thing to me. I had a very hard time processing the whole incident. Soon, the sky became dark and cloudy showered with rain drops. What good days?

From that day on, seemed like I continued to have the worst days of my life. I was consumed with trying to figure out why he would hurt me, why he would try and kill me? Surely no illegal drug would cause him to think that I would stay with him in that state? Surely no illegal drug would tell him it was o.k. to try and sell our youngest child for that next high? From cloudy and dark days I went straight to midnight.

It was during my darkest night I forgot about him. I started focusing on what I may have done to cause this pain, hurt, abuse of love and kindness to fall upon me. My mind, my heart, my soul began to loose sight of who I was before this terrible thing happened to me. I began to write across my sky, “GUILTY! MY FAULT!”

I no longer saw sunlight. I began to feel as if I did not exist. If I did not exist, then I was not alive in my body. I had reached the lowest point. I tried something that was against my moral code, my Christian beliefs. I tried suicide. I couldn’t get that right, thank God! I wouldn’t be here to tell you how I am progressing.

Something happened! I reached up out of the darkness and found a hand. As I held on, they pulled. I began to see glimpses of light. The more I saw, the more I tugged on the hand to pull. Looking around, there was no more darkness. Day. Sunshine. Bright sky. I saw 1 good day. With the help of my children, Psychiatrist, and therapist I am focusing on creating more good days. They are adding up! Yay! I am taking 1 step at a time! I’m coming out of the fog! I am learning the difference between victim and victor!

I’m still that optimistic person! I don’t let bad days become a part of my success. I listen for what that day may try and tell me. I make it a focal point for becoming a good day!

Until next time,

What bad good days?

Get Rid of it!!!

I no longer want to feel like I don’t exist. Like the world doesn’t need what I have to contribute and offer. So, I haven’t written down my goals for this year yet.

I had a panic attack earlier this morning. I had a very uncomfortable dream that triggered the attack. I’m fine but drained. So, in order to stay in the present, I am here writing about it.

Writing is a distraction and a comfort zone for me. I don’t like talking to people about myself. I feel like I sound stupid. If that makes since to you. Writing is a way I can express myself without being judged by someone I may know.

In all honesty, one of my fears is people. I am afraid of being judged by them. I’m afraid that I may not fit in socially. I’m afraid of being hurt by people. I only socialize because I have to and it pertaining to work. Yes, getting rid of social anxiety is a part of my goal. I am more than willing to put this one on my goal list. It’s gonna take a lot of work. Starting with me feeling comfortable around more than 2 people at a time.

This is my year of getting rid of what’s holding me back mentally and socially. What about you?

A life by Dewberry Blue

I often think about how I survived a life,

this life,

my life.

I look to the heavens and I wonder why was I given a life,

this life,

my life.

I’m amazed at how so many people devalued life,

this life,

my life.

Not to be defeated,

I stood up and claimed a life,

this life,

my life.

Written 1/3/2018