Patterns of Survival

In my last session, my homework was to write down the emotional stuck points I have and to replace them with more realist ones. You’re kidding me, right? “Ahh, that will be a no, Ms. De’. You can do this. You’ve come so far. Remember, fear is a response to emotional danger.”

That’s what he thinks. I never opened that file. The file of how I feel about myself and what others may have contributed to enhancing those feelings. Doesn’t he know that opening this particular file is like opening Pandora’s box? He must know or he wouldn’t have given me this assignment.

Anxiety sets in. Here come thoughts on top of stuck point thoughts! I can’t handle this, so I crashed and it was hard. I immediately reverted back to my survival instincts. I politely closed the file.

The main reason I closed that file was I never forgave myself for anything I thought may have resulted in my hating myself. No, I don’t want people to pity me, and no I don’t feel sorry for myself. I just grew to dislike myself after being consistently bullied throughout my life. The trauma made it worse.

The wonderful thing about this chapter in my life is the work I’m doing. I’m gaining a better understanding of why people did the things they did to me and why I accepted it. I’m gaining a better appreciation of who I really am and how to present myself to the world.

During the traumatic event, I did what I had to do. I didn’t become someone else, I used a part of myself that would help me survive. Now, I’m on the path of living with others without being in survival mode.

Until next time,

Not only will I survive, but I will grow and thrive.

Ouch! That hurt!

Humans can say hurtful things sometimes. I’m human, I know. I’ve been on the giving side and the receiving side. We all have. Some people, like myself, can say they have received more than given. What they really mean to say is this, “Most of my memories are about hurtful things people have said and done to me for no reason at all!” I can say this also. But it doesn’t make it true. That is basically a perception of what can be recalled.

I happen to love words. On my Pinterest page, I have a section for wonderful words. I readily agree with Dr. Caroline Leaf’s research on how words affect a person brain, causing them to feel physical pain.

I can give you an example. When I was in grade school, I learned how pretty I was not. It was a boy who liked my sister giving me the bad news. He said to me, “If you did have those bucked teeth (the two front ones) you’d be pretty like your sister!” Next thing I knew, everyone was chanting, “Buck teeth, buck teeth!” I didn’t cry in front of them. I didn’t say anything. I walked away. When I got home, I inspected myself in the mirror. To my surprise, my teeth were bucked. I stopped smiling unless it was necessary. You know, for pictures and the sort. This went on for most of my life in one form or the other.

As an adult, I became very self-conscience. Even after I had work done, I still saw myself as some form of ugly. I hate to hear someone talk about another’s appearance in a derogatory manner. It literally makes me sweat and want to hide. I would try to defend the person in so many ways. It was like I was being talked about too!

I know everyone has some words stuck in the back of their minds which bring about unwanted feelings. Maybe you took care of yours a long time ago. Some of didn’t. They continue to live with us cause some degree of pain.

I know most of you heard this idiom: His/her words cut like a knife! Well, now you know. Words build our world and the things in it. Words build our children and who they become tomorrow. Words build our relationships and determine if they will last.

Until next time,

Words will be with us for a lifetime. We must determine with great care and concern how we will use them. Words even linger on about a person after death. So, we must remember to speak carefully, because words can never be taken back.

Don’t Think That

I have a very hard time keeping my thoughts on positive things. Good things about myself. Peaceful things. You know, like walking through a field of sunflowers on a sunny day. Even when I do ( on some days), a cloud comes rumbling by ruining everything! Normally, the cloud takes the form of people in my past who has emotionally abused me in one form or another. I used to cry all the time and tell myself how right they must be. If things were the opposite, they wouldn’t treat me this way.

Well, you know Easter is Sunday. I’m a Christian, so naturally, my beliefs are centered around Christ. When Passion of the Christ came out, I found out how much Jesus had suffered for me to have happiness and peace in my life. I found out that I didn’t have to accept what a person had done or said about me. I could take those thoughts and cast them away from me! It’s similar to what my therapist is helping me to do. Easier said than done, right? Right. As I become a better steward of the word of God, I find that I am also taking those ugly thoughts and finding where they originated from with my therapist. I am healing and forgiving myself and others!

I went for my Psychiatry appointment today and discussed some of the feelings and thoughts that are trying to stick around. I told her what I was doing along with my therapy, and she said to continue on. Right now, I will stay on the medication combination along with therapy.

I know I have a way to go with changing my thoughts or stuck points, but with me writing them down and getting to the roots of them, I am feeling stronger and better daily. It is a process that I have started and will continue.

Until next time

Give yourself credit for the strides you are making.

Difficult Days

Today started off as becoming one of the difficult days. If you are like me, having Depression linked with PTSD and Social Anxiety, your days can become simply surviving. To help me through the tough times, I pull up memories and thoughts that represent where I want to go and who I am becoming. Sure, I could sit and waddle in self-pity, but what am I accomplishing? Nothing.

I use these days as stepping stones. I don’t want to drown in a sea of despair, so I am careful to touch each stone at least once. As I stand there, I visualize my surrounding to see what’s ahead of me. There are so many stones of what effect trauma has had on me. They only lead to dark places I visited before. I could easily slip back into that place because the stones are worn from previous steps.

I congratulate myself on choosing a smaller stone of affirmation, “keep going, you got this”. I think I’ll stay here today.

Sometimes when you can’t do anything else, you have to stand firm where you are. This stone is not worn at all! I haven’t been on it for very long, therefore it will hold me up until I free space in my mind from negative thoughts.

Until next time,

There is a lesson to learn from every negative thought. It is a part of you, but it is not you.

Starting My Life

It’s never too late to start anything, that is; if you’re committed to hard work. I’ve heard, seen and even said this to someone else. I never felt I had the need to practice it for myself, that is until now.

I take pride in being a person who does not take constructive criticism to heart. I always do self-inventory. You know, checking my own self out before someone points it out. But when it came to starting certain parts of my life over, I became dumbfounded.

I knew I needed to do something when my appearance and attitude towards myself became a problem. I looked in the mirror one day to see a 240lb person staring back at what used be a 140lb person. I wasn’t a comfort eater, so how did I get to this point? I stopped exercising, getting out of my room and the house and had no human contact unless necessary!

I didn’t want to be that person in the mirror, but when I look back, it took me 5 years to get here; it will take me time to get back healthy. Where do I start? How do I start?

I decided to deal with my mental well-being first. I felt if I could get this part if me healthy, I’d be prepared for my physical well-being. It’s taking me quite a while, but I am making strides of progress daily. I’m also to the point where I am planning a healthy regimen. It includes better eating habits and exercising.

Today, I know that everything is going to be ok. I will have ups and downs, but regardless, everything is going to be ok.

Until next time,

Start a list of things that make you happy, sad anxious or a list of what you like to do, don’t like, etc. Add to it everyday and at the end of the year, look back on it!

Progress Requires Work

Life is hard. Life is even harder when you have a mental disorder that requires the majority of your attention. There is nothing more depressing than feeling as if your life is spiraling out of control.

People will label you as weak, victim, or absent from society when you began to take control of your mental health. Naturally, they will not see the progress you are making as you tell your story. I’m seeing and feeling the effects of the changes I am making in my life. I’ve had to disconnect from family members as well as people I considered my closest friends during this process. While I was hurt by the changes I had to make in my life, I found that it was best for me at this point in my life.

I’ve worked very hard to change my way of thinking about myself. I’m proud of what I continue to address daily. Determining where the negative thought came from has been painful for me. At some point, I know I will have to face the person(s) behind that thought. I’m not ready for that stage. But when I get there, I know I will be prepared. Why? How? Because of the work, I’m doing now.

Until next time,

Trust in yourself concerning yourself. You usually know what you’re doing!

No Limits

Over the last 2 weeks, I have really had the opportunity to think about how I feel about myself. Self-esteem. This was a project from my last session, which was 3 weeks ago. I had a major meltdown. I hate talking about myself and I’ve never felt good or confident about myself, my looks, accomplishments or anything. So, completing this assignment triggered some major thoughts about myself and the negative experiences I had as a child and through adulthood. I never knew I had kept so many hidden feelings in my thoughts.

I asked my therapist could I work on this for another 2 weeks. I pray I can work through this portion of my therapy. It is very important to my overall recovery and health.

Until next time,

Remember God is with you through all you may go through if you trust and believe in Him