I’ve always believed the energy within you is the energy you project, therefore you get. During my life, I have mostly been a positive person. I’ve always met positive people and engaged in positive events until that dreadful day. I became consumed with sadness and anger. I no longer believed in the goodness of people. I no longer wanted to be around people. Even though I am a human being, I became afraid of people in social setting. I began to isolate to the point of hibernating in my room. My children became my view of the outside world. I knew I had to work so, I went to work and drove straight home while my eyes were glued to the rearview mirror making sure I was not followed. I was a mess. I did this for 30 years until I recently fell apart after losing a job. I no longer wanted to have the life I was living, so, I thought about suicide. I knew it was against my Christian beliefs, but I felt no one would miss me. I had only contributed sadness.
My daughter decided to move to another state. She asked me to come with her and her children. I decided a change could not hurt me. Florida. It seemed nice enough. Nobody knows me here. I went to a mental health facility. I sought out a Psychiatrist who suggested therapy. He started out slow and here today, I am working through the CPT program. It’s very effective in helping me to figure out automatic thoughts and how they relate to the incident and my core beliefs about myself. Slowly and deliberately I am changing my thoughts of myself and people.
Everyone deals with pain, hurt and grief differently. When it comes to trauma, it’s very different. Everything changes. The way you respond to life changes. You have to learn how to respond to a brand new world. Through the eyes of a PTSD survivor, the world now looks a bit shady. You now second guess the things which once were clear and present. You continually wipe your lens to get a better view or the one you once saw. What makes it hard for us is this: you’re asked to tell your story only to find you are being judged by the very same person. Someone who has never experienced that type of pain.
We are not asking for sympathy. We crave understanding. So, don’t judge our stories. Even if you’ve experienced it. It’s different for everyone.
I never wanted to hear someone else say to me what I say to them. But for some reason, now it seems to sink in as I take this journey of healing. There is so much work for me to do, but I am proud of myself as I continue with my therapist, complete the bi-weekly homework and report to him if anything new pops up.
Well, anywho, I try and write daily, but my hands hurt badly so, bare with me. Back to note to me. The one below takes me to a time when I felt like that was all I could do or better yet save them because they need me. When all along, these same people cared less about my emotional well-being. Emotional well-being. I didn’t think much about mine until this therapist. I have worked very hard this year to eliminate all and I mean all that hasn’t been for my good. And I did it this year. How am I doing? I on my way 2 healing.
Until next time,
Find a reason to challenge what’s making you unhappy. Take your advice and leave it for good. You’ll feel better.
I believe most women, children, and yes men never believed they would have suffered a domestic or traumatic event. When they did, shame, hopelessness, and regret set in.
For years, I went through the “why me’s?” When I finally realized the perpetrator was never going to tell me and my therapist did not have the answer, I began to heal in that area. I came to realize I didn’t have to know why. I needed to know what I was going to do about it and when would I start.
I’m a person who is very concerned about the well-being of every living thing, so that made me interested in finding out about every tool available to me healing myself. Whether I sat in a doctors or therapist office, I knew when I left there, it was ultimately up to me to put into action what I had learned. I also learned to not stop there. I searched the internet, looked for local support systems in my community and abroad. Have I completed my journey? No. I still have much more traveling to go. As I tackle 1 part of my PTSD, I find it connects to other issues.
Until next time,
May God give you the strength and knowledge you need to continue your journey.
I respect all suffering and the survivors, but some of us have gone through some things that are equal to and beyond the effects of war.